Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
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