Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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