i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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