Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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