Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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