hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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