I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
