last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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