I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
