I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
