Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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