Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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