i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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