Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
