you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
