im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
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