well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
