the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
