I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
