Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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