I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
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