I smell stomach acid.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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