We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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