Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
