I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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