Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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