Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
