so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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