I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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