You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
