Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
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