Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
