she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
