Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
