Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
