Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
