one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I checked into jail on foursquare
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
