Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
