I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
