my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
