It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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