I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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