literally had 100 drinks last night.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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