Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
