Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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