is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
