i was born a porn star she said
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
