What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
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