the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Two words: blizzard sex
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
