based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
