so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Randomize
