What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
