Define "chronic" masturbator.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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