my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
