I think scott just propositioned me for sex
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
