just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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