So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
