All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
