Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
