Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
